DirecTV Finally Goes Too Far

We've complained about them in the past, but with this latest commercial featuring Poltergeist, DirecTV has certainly crossed the line.

Didn't anybody -- MGM, Craig T. Nelson, Heather O'Rourke's family -- pause to think that this wouldn't be the best way to honor the memory of a little girl who tragically died at the age of 12?

Texting? Hold Up

Picture it: you are sitting enraptured in the latest big screen exploit of Batman, Harry Potter or Carrie Bradshaw when you see it, glaringly, out of the corner of your eye: a little blue square of light. Attached to that little blue square of light is a hunched-over figure rapidly keying in nonsensical drivel with ossified stumps that once were thumbs, obviously not watching -- or caring about -- what they paid a ticket price to see. Even worse, they are obliviously encroaching upon your enjoyment of what you paid a ticket price to see. Such is the newest cinematic annoyance rearing its ugly head in movie theaters everywhere: text messaging.

The widespread popularity of this yet-another-way to stay connected in this yet-ever-more-disconnected society we now live in baffles me. Wouldn't it be easier to just, you know, talk to each other? And who, really, seriously, needs to be that connected to every single person they know all the time?

As for those who text at the movies, can't they take a break from this high tech foolishness for the running time of your average movie, if not for their rapidly failing eyesight and arthritic fingers, then at least for the sake of their fellow filmgoers? Or has common courtesy gone the way of rotary phones and hand-written correspondence?

And it is not just in movie theaters either. As Playbill.com recently noted, it is happening in Broadway theaters as well. Moreover, with ticket prices on the Great White Way ten times (at least) as much as at your local multiplex, the question remains: what are these people thinking?

Hilariously, triumphantly, Playbill's own Seth Rudetsky recounts in his latest column how Patti LuPone -- Miss Patti LuPone, the Tony Award winning Broadway legend, supreme diva and star of the current revival of Gypsy -- refused to go on for the second act of the show unless the fingering philistine sitting in the front row (the front row!) who had been texting non-stop through the whole first act was ejected from the theater in shame. As Seth himself would say, "Brava, diva, brava!"

Text messaging is rapidly equaling the long-standing bane of any true movie fans' film going existence, the ringing cell phone. I remember the first time a cell phone rang while I was watching a movie (the jerk actually answered it ... and proceeded to have a conversation). The movie in question? Driving Miss Daisy ... in 1989. Yup, we have been putting up with one form of distracting, irritating, rude in-theater behavior for almost twenty years, and now we have to deal with another one?

In closing, I direct any and all offenders of this, or any other felonious phone faux pas, to take heed of the fact that July is "National Cell Phone Courtesy Month". So watch out: we're on to you and, like Miss Patti LuPone, we're not going to take it anymore.

That's Miss Bell to You ...

Let us hope that when the time comes for a certain fantastical faerie to get her name immortalized upon its own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame next year, that they spell it correctly.

For the record (and according to the author who created her), the Peter Pan pixie (who surely will receive this honor conveniently timed around the release of her new Disney movie'srelease on DVD) is named Tinker Bell, not Tinkerbell.

Her friends call her Tink, but you can call her Miss Bell if you're nasty.

Sexual Positions ... and Sex and the City

When the blockbuster box office returns for the big screen version of Sex and the City rolled in last week, show biz pundits everywhere were shocked -- shocked! -- at how well this filmic feast of fashion, femininity and fabulousness fared. The way some (mostly male, presumably straight) pompously pontificated about this "surprise hit", you would think that women -- and the gay men who love watching them -- never went to the movies.

What has been shocking is how sophomorically sexist -- and, by extension, homophobic -- some of these anti-Sex rants have been; that any male who went to see this movie "just had to be gay" or was dragged to it, kicking and screaming, by their silly female significant other. The message presented, repeatedly, was that even laying your man eyes upon the screen was a threat to your manhood at its very core, as if doing so it would suck out all the testosterone in your body at the very least, castrate you right there in your seat at worst.

Well, (and I know I'm basically preaching to the choir here, but bear with me) here's a newsflash for you boys: men, both gay and straight and everywhere in-between, can enjoy the escapist escapades of Miss Bradshaw and friends and, get this, have for years now. Being a fan of Sex and the City, the television series and the motion picture, doesn't make one any less of a man, no more so then, say, digging Dirty Harry or Die Hard makes one less of a woman. To say so otherwise is bullshit macho posturing, plain and simple.

In other words, fellas: (said in my best Samantha Jones purr) get over yourselves; it's just Sex.

Why, Chuck, Why?

Anna Friel, a.k.a. Pushing Daisies' lonely tourist Charlotte Charles, a.k.a. Chuck, has willingly signed on to be romanced by Will Ferrell's paleontologist character in the already derided-able big screen version of the cheesy Saturday morning kid classic Land of the Lost.

Thus continues the disturbing practice of pairing former Saturday Night Live comedians with comely lookers who would never otherwise give them the time of day in real life. Some examples:

- Chevy Chase, not only married to Beverly D'Angelo but also seduced by Christie Brinkley, in National Lampoon's Vacation.
- Adam Sandler with Drew Barrymore -- twice! -- in The Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates.
- Mike Myers with every bird in every Austin Powers movie.
- Dan Aykroyd and Kim Basinger in My Stepmother is an Alien (she'd have to be).
- Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally ... (OK, that one worked).

But by far the biggest repeat offender of this forced suspension of belief is Bill Murray. It was bad enough that they asked us to buy him opposite Sigourney Weaver (Ghostbusters), Andie MacDowell (Groundhog Day) and Geena Davis (Quick Change); but when he played a so-called "Don Juan" (named "Don Johnston", for god's sake) who supposedly had romanced Sharon Stone, Jessica Lange, Tilda Swinton and Julie Delpy in Broken Flowers? Now that's even more far-fetched then Will Ferrell as a paleontologist.

Send in the Clones

Wow, imagine George Lucas trying to milk more money out of his fans: his CGI Star Wars: The Clone Wars television series will actually premiere in theaters this August prior to debuting on the Cartoon Network the following month. In other words, Lucas will pass off what appears to be a really badly computer animated pilot episode as a feature film.

Furthermore, the "movie", which will take place between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith (Episode II.5?), won't even have the major original actors voicing their signature roles, save for the ever loyal Anthony Daniels as C-3P0 (Samuel L. Jackson has expressed interest to return for the series as his bad-ass Jedi, Mace Windu).

If I sound a bit skeptical about this new enterprise, it is because I have been disillusioned by the whole Star Wars universe since about halfway through Return of the Jedi. And apparently, I'm not the only one.

UPDATE: Don't bother, they're here: the trailer.

No One Ever Went Broke ...

... underestimating the taste of the American public. The latest example:

Cause: total box office gross to date of Alvin and the Chipmunks: $199,138,605.

Effect: Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: Rise of the Chipettes.

Memo from Movie Dearest: Resolutions

Well, Movie Dearest is all dolled-up for New Year's Eve (you better back up though, I feel a belch coming on -- this Pepsi has a kick to it, if you know what I mean), so it's time for some New Year's resolutions.

To wit, MD hereby resolves to:
- Not succumb to the recent blogging trend of obsessively recapping reality shows or soap operas. (Hello, we do not need to know all the minute details of the latest bisexual shenanigans on Big Brother or how long down to the second Nuke kissed on As the World Turns, thank you very much.)
- Not ever mention the words "Britney Spears" and "shaved head" in the same sentence. Or even the words "Britney Spears", for that matter. (And don't get me started on her sister.)
- Not declare the latest starlet who has been around for ten minutes a "gay icon" or to say that the current hunk du jour has a "huge gay following", both terms that have been tossed about way too cavalierly of late.
- Not take the Writers Guild name in vain just because their little strike is ruining everything we hold dear, from the current TV season to the awards shows to the delay of the movie version of Nine. (Really, I support the writers, but let's get this mess over with quick, OK guys?)
- Not post anything copied verbatim from Towleroad. com. (Now who does that?)
- Not go anywhere near American Idol if I can help it at all costs so help me god I swear.
- Not carp on and on (and on) about the dearth of gay-themed films in theaters these days like some people do. (Sure, there should be more, but really -- what else is new?)
- Not ever think "How bad could it be?" again before watching an internet video. (Two Girls, One Cup, I'm talking to you.)
- Not post any more pictures of hot, bare-chested men. (Yeah right, like that would happen.)

And finally, to continue to respect my MD readers by giving them well-written, informative and entertaining articles about the past, present and future of film, television and the theater. (Come on, I had to throw in one serious one.)

In a World ...

... where moviegoers just want to see the movie they paid for, there is one thing that stands in their way -- movie trailer clichés:

"In a land gone mad, one man stands alone against the vast darkness. There was only one problem: everything he knows is wrong. It was supposed to be routine, but when she entered his life, it all changed. Now, more then ever, he has one last chance to make it right. If they can just see that what they need the most has been right in front of them the whole time, they just might come together to learn the true meaning of family. For anyone who has ever had a dream: a story about the choices we make, a story that captures your heart, a story featuring brand new characters and five new songs. Get ready for the feel good movie of the summer, coming soon to a theater near you."

Now, just imagine one of these guys saying all that and you'll see what I mean.

Link via YouTube.com.

Texas Tee-Vee

Thanks to Big Edie, I have been a longtime fan of the penultimate primetime soap opera Dallas ever since it first aired. I am pretty sure I have seen every single episode of its record 14 (!) seasons (yes, even the "dream season"). Thanks to its signature theme song, nerve-racking cliffhangers (like who shot J.R. and Bobby in the shower) and the always welcome sight of a frequently shirtless Patrick Duffy, I was addicted to the trials and tribulations of the Ewings of Southfork. Heck, I even would have bought all the action figures (even Lucy), if they had ever been made available.

So I have always been leery about the news of an impending Dallas movie. How exactly would they be able to recreate the soapy shenanigans of my favorite Texas oil family on the big screen in a mere two-hour running time? Would J.R. be shot yet again? Would the whole middle of the movie be another one of Pam's elaborately plotted dreams? Would Miss Ellie change actresses half way through and then change back again? Would Bobby take his shirt off lots of times?

My resistance to the whole idea doubled when I heard that it would not be a drama, but an outright comedy, yet another instance when the memory of a beloved television series is tarnished by a big screen misstep (Starsky & Hutch, Bewitched, Land of the Lost, the list goes on). Granted, that might have worked if they employed some of my ideas I mentioned in the last paragraph, but I don't think Hollywood scriptwriters are all that clever. No matter, because it seems that they have gone back to doing a straight-up drama, even though Betty Thomas is assigned to direct. You may recall that she was at the helm for one of the few times that a TV-to-movie transfer actually worked, The Brady Bunch Movie.

Drama or comedy, casting rumors are floating about, with John Travolta likely to slip into Larry Hagman's Stetsons as good ol' J.R. He was attached to an earlier version of the project, along with (shiver) Luke Wilson and Jennifer Lopez as Bobby and Pam. Thankfully, those two are out, and Lost boy Matthew Fox and Friday Night Lights' Minka Kelly are in as the couple. Julie Benz (Darla in Buffy/Angel) would booze it up as Sue Ellen, while Katie Cassidy will tart it up as Lucy. Heading the clan will be none other then James Brolin and Diane Ladd as Jock and Miss Ellie, both of whom seem way too young. And finally, J.R.'s ever-present nemesis, Cliff Barnes, will by played by Rob Lowe. I can see him in that role, and some of the others are promising (if these rumors do turn out to be true), but I'm still not sold on this return trip to the Lone Star State.

Click here to buy Dallason DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via UltimateDallas.com, Imdb.com, YouTube.com, MegoMuseum.com and CinemaBlend.com.

Golden Scandal

The latest in a long line of rabble-rousing maneuvers by religious muckrakers against the so-called "evils of Hollywood", The Golden Compass (the other fantasy film this holiday season) is drawing fire (from such organizations as the Catholic League) for "bash(ing) Christianity and promoting atheism". True, they may have initially had some concern; the new movie is based on the first volume of author/ avowed atheist Phillip Pullman's best-selling His Dark Materials trilogy, known for its anti-organized religion bent. However, the filmmakers (including director Chris Weitz) have gone on record to state that all of the book's controversial themes were excised in adapting it to the screen.

Of course, they're not listening, insisting that if Little Johnny sees the movie, he'll make mommy buy the book for him and *poof!* instant atheist. In other words, it is another "but what about the children?" rant that is beyond tiresome at this point. Naturally, their next step is to boycott the movie, the tried and true knee-jerk scenario that has been common practice amongst these "holier then thou" types for centuries.

If this all sounds vaguely familiar, you may recall a similar stance against the film version of another controversial novel, The Da Vinci Code. A call to boycott that movie went largely unheard, as its $217 million box office proves. Furthermore, it was a bad movie, whereas Golden Compass looks like has a lot more going for it then Tom Hanks in a mullet; with Nicole Kidman in glam bitch mode, a scruffy Daniel Craig and some armored-up polar bears, it promises to at least look interesting. In the end, with or without the Christian moviegoers (who turned another fantasy epic -- The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe -- into a blockbuster), how well The Golden Compass is received will be known when it opens December 7 in theaters nationwide.

Links via Imdb.com, MTV.com and Hollywood.com.

Lost in Translation

There is nothing worse then having a cherished childhood memory trampled upon by Hollywood. Such is the case with the upcoming feature film adaptation of Land of the Lost, the cheesy Saturday morning sci fi show from the cheese-meisters extraordinaire Sid and Marty Croft.

The live action series, which ran on NBC from 1974 to 1977, followed the adventures of a park ranger and his two children who have been transported to a prehistoric land via a subterranean waterfall. Befriended by a primitive ape boy named Cha-Ka, they must fight to survive hungry rubber dinosaurs and a lizard-like tribe of creatures called "Sleestaks" (by the looks of them, maybe a better descriptive term would be "phallic"). The show also had a bizarrely bluegrass, plot exposition-heavy theme song which instantly burns its way into your brain, never to escape.

As I said, pure cheese, but it was our cheese. Everyone I know who watched this when they were kids recall it fondly. Thus, imagine my dismay upon hearing that they are not only turning it into a movie, but into a comedy (an intentional one this time) starring ... Will Ferrell.

Why-oh-why is this one-note comedian so popular, and why does he continue to ruin beloved TV shows by turning them into crappy movies? You would think he would have learned with that bomb known as Bewitched. There is one bright spot though in this impending desecration: considering that the movie will likely be aimed at the younger set, at least we won't be subjected to Ferrell gettin' naked yet again. Or, at least I hope so.

Click here to purchase the original Land of the Loston DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via HollywoodReporter.com, Imdb.com, Albany.net, YouTube.com and Cinematical.com.

Klaatu Barada ... Woah!

We all have what I call our own "cinematic nemesis". They are the actor or actress who, single-handedly, can ruin a whole for us.

Mine is Keanu Reeves. Seriously, why does this guy have a career? I know he's very popular for the most part, but, put simply, he doesn't do much for me. Sure, there have been movies that he has been in that I have enjoyed despite his presence (River's Edge, Speed, Something's Gotta Give). Heck, I even liked Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (mostly because it was filmed at my high school though).

However, to me, Reeves is alarmingly inept for such a big, A-list star. His performances range from the misguided (Dangerous Liaisons) to the miscast (The Matrix) to the outright mistaken (Bram Stoker's Dracula). So how does he keep getting cast in high profile movies, I wonder. The answer is as elusive as a comprehension of the Matrix sequels.

And if the idea of a remake of the classic science fiction parable The Day the Earth Stood Still isn't bad enough for you, to add insult to injury, Keanu (or, as I like to call him, "Ka-nu-nu") will play Klaatu, portrayed in the original by Michael Rennie. Do they honestly expect us to believe him as the savior of our planet? God help us all.

In other remake news, Naomi Watts in The Birds or Denzel Washington in The Taking of Pelham One Two Three don't sound too bad, but who could they get to top Roddy McDowall in another Fright Night? And don't you dare say Ka-nu-nu.

Click here to purchase the original The Day the Earth Stood Stillon DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via Imdb.com, Coronadodons.org, Variety.com, ShockTillYouDrop.com, EW.com and Cinematical.com.

I Don't Get It: The Princess Bride

Yes, I know, it is "inconceivable" of me to not be as enamored of The Princess Bride as, oh, apparently everyone else in the world who has ever seen it.

It certainly has all the elements that usually draw me into such a fanciful lark: magic, mayhem, "mawage" ...

Perhaps it is the tone of the piece. True, author-turned-screenwriter William Goldman fractured this fairy tale long before Shrek and its multitude of imitators beat that horse of a sub-genre to death, but even twenty years ago these deconstructed "storybook loves" seemed to want to make fun of their cake and eat it too.

Or maybe I just grew weary of director Rob Reiner metaphorically elbowing me in the side at how quaintly mirthful the whole thing is.

Nevertheless, whenever a Bride booster starts spouting the litany of quotable phrases spawned by this movie, my eyes invariably roll whilst I nod in recognition, knowing in my heart of hearts that whatever threadbare appreciation I did have for the film sinks ever deeper into my own personal Pit of Despair.

If, unlike me, you are a Princess Bride fan, head over to Gone Hollywood for some enlightening "then and now" pictures of the cast. And don't say I didn't warn you. Oh Wesley, what the hell happened to you?

Click here to buy The Princess Brideon DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via Imdb.com and HollywoodOutsiderTheBeltway.com.

Hey Cruella, Put That Out!

In what can only be called a symbolic gesture in this day and age, Walt Disney Pictures has issued a ban on any onscreen images of smoking in its films. Considering that the bulk of this studio's output is such G-rated fare as Ratatouille, I don't think this will be very hard. (As for Disney's more "adult"-orientated films put out under their Touchstone and Miramax labels, smoking onscreen will be "strongly discouraged". Whatever.)

But what does this mean for the images (created in a less "Oh, but we have to protect the children" time) from such classics as Pinocchio (lost boys puffing on stogies on Pleasure Island), The Three Caballeros (Jose Carioca and his ever-present cigar) and 101 Dalmatians (Cruella de Vil is never without her green smoke-spewing cigarette holder)? Disney already got the scissors out for the DVD release of the lesser-known Melody Time, snipping out every last trace of cowboy Pecos Bill's tobaccy habit. Will the same be done to forthcoming new DVD editions of Pinocchio and Dalmatians?

Well, it is doubtful that even Disney would go that far. For one thing, I cannot imagine the expense such self-censorship would entail, and the public outcry from animation purists and film historians would be deafening if these two certified masterpieces were tampered with in any way. Also, in both cases, smoking is shown as bad - Pinocchio turns green, Cruella is the villain. So I think it is safe to say that both films will be re-released unharmed - or at least with a "smoking is bad for you" disclaimer tacked on the beginning ... for now.

However, how much longer will it be until that isn't enough? In the excellent satire Thank You for Smoking, William H. Macy's senator announces a plan to edit out all images of smoking from old movies. He illustrates this by showing a photograph of Gary Cooper with a candy cane sticking out of his mouth in place of a cigarette. Sure, it is a ludicrous idea (if not down right impossible - watch any day of Turner Classic Movies and you will see that everyone in every old movie smoked - constantly), but there is a sense that it could happen - that is what makes the scene funny in the first place.

There are certainly dangers the Hollywood studios would face if they allow Washington to control too much of what you see. The MPAA has already hinted at automatically rating a movie an "R" if there was any smoking in it (can you imagine, an "R"-rated 101 Dalmatians), and studios in England have already instituted a ban on any smoking on its sound stages. Are such blanket policies really necessary? Or is this just more political conservatism run amuck?

You may ask, well, it is just smoking, that's bad for you, so they shouldn't show it any way, right? OK, fine, what about alcohol? Alcohol is bad for you, so no drinking onscreen. Guns? Guns kill people, so no guns either. Cars - cars cause accidents, no cars. Food! Someone can choke on a chicken bone and die, nobody can eat in a movie ever again ...!

Absurd, yes, but you can see how slippery the slope is; the politicians should do their jobs and leave the movie making to the moviemakers (free of any government-sanctioned restraints on content) and let parents give little Johnny the anti-smoking talk. After all, isn't the government busy enough without worrying if a cartoon character lights one up?

Which reminds me: Hey Cruella, got a match?

Get Away from DirectTV, You Bitch!

You never see it coming.

You're sitting there watching TV, when all of the sudden a scene from your favorite movie pops up on the screen. All seems like you remember, until your favorite character turns to the camera and starts berating you for not having a satellite dish with high def capabilities.

No, it's not a nightmare, just the latest batch of DirectTV ads cluttering the airwaves. And if it wasn't bad enough to see Christopher Lloyd and William Shatner squeezing out some more change from the Back to the Future and Star Trek franchises, now Sigourney Weaver is "revisiting" her iconic Aliens role - a role that she was nominated for an Oscar for - in this latest ad.

Now, this isn't quite as bad as the commercialized necrophilia that was visited upon poor Audrey Hepburn, John Wayne and Fred Astaire (at least his is not immortalized on YouTube ... yet). And certainly, as the Film Babble Blog points out, there are some actors (Charlie Sheen, Jessica Simpson) that you couldn't care less what they do as long as you have your remote handy.

But why, Sigourney, why? Not getting enough work lately? Heck, I'd rather watch you in Tadpole II or Ghostbusters 3 then to see you shilling satellite equipment (and believe me, that's saying a lot).

How 'bout a nice Revlon ad instead?

UPDATE: The Washington Post has not only found out how they make this blasphemy, but that they are going to make more of 'em ...

Links via YouTube.com, FilmBabble.blogspot.com and WashingtonPost.com.

There's a Time for Turkey ...

In Kevin Murphy's "A Year at the Movies", he recounts his covert mission smuggling an entire Thanksgiving dinner into a movie theater. While I admire his cheekiness after the fact, I am not so sure how I would have felt if I was sitting in the same theater as him that day, with the sounds of a Tom Jones-like bacchanal going on in the front row and smells of roast turkey and canned cranberries wafting about. Especially if I had just eaten just that.

Which brings me to this note on cinematic etiquette: a movie theater is not a food court. When I go into my local cineplex, I expect to smell popcorn, nothing else. No burritos from Baja Bungalow, no marinara from Mama Meloni's, no fish sticks from Fran's Fry-Daddy. If I wanted an international taste sensation, I'd go to Epcot.

What is even worse about this situation is not just that people do this (who then don't even have the decency to hide the food in their purse), but that theater employees allow them to do it.

Note to all ticket takers out there: I know you are either still in high school or never finished it, so you may not have the "life experience" to recognize such situations, but pay heed. If someone walks up to you and has to balance a styrofoam container with ranch dressing oozing out of it on your tiny little ticket taker pedestal in order to dig out their ticket from the pocket of their acid wash jeans, don't let them go any further with that food.

We have all been taught since we were tiny little children that you "cannot bring outside food into a movie theater" and dammit, rules are rules. If I can't bring in an 89¢ Big Gulp and instead have to buy a $4 drink of the same size (upsold for just a quarter more), then Peter and Polly Picnicker can't bring in their pot stickers from the Panda Palace.

That is all.

Links via Amazon.com and Imdb.com.

Pet Peeves 101

OK, you get this one a lot when you are a Disney fan, so pay attention:

Dalmatians come from the Croatian province of Dalmatia. So, capitalize the "D" and end the word with i-A-n, not i-O-n.

That is all.

Links via Imdb.com and Wikipedia.com.

Cinematic Soapbox: An Introduction

We all have them: times when you just don't understand what the world is coming to ... especially when it comes to movies. This will be my place to vent on such topics as movie-going pet peeves, cinematic cliches, mind-boggling trends and why a movie based on a twenty-year old line of toys can be so popular.

Link via Imdb.com.